Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Hobbes' "Leviathan, Books I and II": A Summary

Everything is made of particles, and they're constantly bumping into each other. It's how shit moves, but that's not all -  it's how you think, and how you speak,  and how you imagine; we all interact based on the motion of these particles, and it has one very important consequence:

Dudes are fucking dicks.

Seriously, there's no way around it. Have you ever seen a guy acting like an asshole and thought, "What a fucking asshole?" Well, Spoiler Alert: You're an asshole too. Everyone is an asshole - there's no avoiding it. It's a motherfucking law of nature, like gravity or John Stamos' hair. And if we're allowed to do whatever the fuck we want, shit gets real real, real fast. One greedy motherfucker steals something , some bro preempts him with his own attack, some other guy tries to show everyone else how big his dick is, and suddenly everyone is trying to kill everyone else.

And there's only one way to fix it. It's not pretty, but it's fucking super-effective.

First, we all make a contract to chill the fuck out, together.  But what if some asshole is like, "No, I will not chill the fuck out?" How do we handle that?  I'm glad you asked. We all pick one bro and give him absolute power. I don't mean that if he asks nicely,  we think about listening; his job isn't to make sure everyone plays fair, or to tell you that you're special no matter what anyone says. Fuck that noise. Absolute. Fucking. Power. Maybe it would help if I told you that Hobbes named him after the seven-headed soul-eating serpent-demon that guards the gates of Hell. Simon Says, asshole. He does what the fuck he wants, and he's kind of a big deal.

But why does one bro need all that power? His job is to make sure everyone  stays chilled out, and it's not an easy job, since we're all such assholes. Remember that part in Harry Potter 6 when Dumbledore tells Harry, "No matter what I say, don't stop feeding me this battery acid" or whatever it was? We all say to the ruler, "No matter what we say in the future, don't let us try to kill each other." So that when the inner assholes come out, he knows to put his foot down, execute a few dudes, and keep the fucking peace. And believe me - that's going to happen. You're going to try to kill someone. It's inevitable.

A strong ruler is a necessary evil, dude. Yes, you are going to hate him. He'll be kind of a dick sometimes. That's only natural. Besides, it sucks way less than the alternative. So when you want to complain, just remember: you brought this on yourself by being a dickhead and trying to kill everyone. Sorry he's not sorry.

Why only one bro? Why not a bunch? Because that's wasteful. They'll fight as much as we all fought when there were no bros in charge. Besides, when it's only one bro, he knows he has to fucking deliver - he can't live like a bro-king unless his subjects are doing well. Trust me - pick one really smart bro, and let him handle it. He'll take care of you.

What's that? You still want freedom of speech? Um, no. Why not? Because you would use it to piss other people off. And then they would want to kill you, and there would be riots, and he'd have to send in soldiers to enforce chillitude. It's not worth it. So shut your whore mouth and we'll all be happier for it.

You want to worship who you want? Are you out of your fucking mind? Bro, nothing makes people fight like religion. That's why the bro-king gets to choose who you worship. God knows what's up - if God wanted to talk to someone, he'd talk to the badass motherfucker in charge . It doesn't matter that much to you anyway - what do you care if you worship at 8AM or 9AM on Sunday? Is it worth people trying to kill you to be right? I didn't think so.

In conclusion, you're a dickhead and can't be trusted to handle your business on your own. That's what serpent-demon rulers are for, bro. 

34 comments:

  1. It's all somehow so much clearer now that you've translated it for me.

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  2. Officially added to Google reader! Keep it up.

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  3. You're a real bro-king. Keep up the good work!

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  4. Broski... me and my bitches laughed our asses off on:

    "First, we all make a contract to chill the fuck out, together. But what if some asshole is like, "No, I will not chill the fuck out?" How do we handle that?"

    Be my mentor, man? Please?

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  5. "Remember that part in Harry Potter"

    *clicks RSS button*

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  6. I think this is bigger than the sum of its parts.

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  7. Bro, this blog is the shit. Bookmarked, followed on my phone, and spreading the word. No doubt.

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  8. I'm a neurosci major who always wanted to be a philosophy major, but chickened out when I heard of the lack of career paths. Your blog fills a void in my being. Thanks, brostein.

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  9. I knew all those 400 level soc theory classes would finally pay off.

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  10. I really love your articles.


    ... and I wish I could stop there but the inner pedant in me is screaming! Leviathan had nothing to do with the gates of hell, it was just a sea-serpent spoken of in the book of Daniel (I think? Somewhere near there anyway) and was simply an example of God's mighty creation. There was a seven-headed dragon in the Apocalypse of St John but it was not named Leviathan, they're two different beings.

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  11. Bro shit just got REAL

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  12. The life of man is solitary,nasty, brutish and short.....

    gotta rep hobbs.

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  13. honestly you are a fucking nazi

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  14. @Dan

    Are you stupid? This is a accessible version of Hobbes' philosophy, not the blogger's personal opinion. So shut your whore mouth and we'll all be happier for it.

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  15. for real dan even if he agreed he would be a totalitarian supporting despotism

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  16. I find your blog interesting and amusing.

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  17. Thank you stumbleupon!
    You are BRILLIANT bro.

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  18. Dear god thank you for that. You made me smile while doing my advanced political thought homework...not easy.

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  19. @April 26, 2011 9:53 AM : Leviathan was referenced in the book of Job, Old Testament. God is challenging Job by asking him if he was around when He created the world, and He brings up the fact that Job didn't see Him make the fearsome Leviathan ex nihilo.

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  20. Finally, an english translation..lol

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  21. "that any man should take pleasure in in other mens great harms, without other end of his own, I do not conceive it possible" (Leviathan, 126)

    He didn't think we were sadistic just that we would be suspicious and fearful for our own survival.

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  22. I would be e-mailing this to all my friends if not for the whore mouth comment bro. Sexism is terrible but other than that awesome stuff.

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  23. i volunteer myself for the seven-headed soul-eating serpent-demon that guards the gates of Hell

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  24. hold on. Is he suggesting a tyrannical goverment run by a proposed "really smart" person? Didn't we all once think Hitler, Mao, and Stalin were really smart people who could be trusted to single-handedly lead a group of people?

    Like you said, people are dicks. And I just can't trust one dick to be in charge of everyone else.

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  25. I heard Hobbes was actually kind of a nice guy on a personal level.

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  26. Not one bro king. A man or an assembly of men act as the sovereign.

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