Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Rhonda Byrne's "The Secret": A Summary

Here's a fundamental property of the universe: like attracts like. There are TONS of examples of this. Like how mass attracts other mass? And how white people LOVE other white people, like can't get over how great white people are. It's like that. Things attract other things that are like it. That's why when you're in the bath and you start moving back and forth, waves start forming. The water starts moving to match your movement because that's easier that constantly fighting you. It's like you made that water too tired to put up a fight and it was like "fine, whatever, let's do this," because like attracts like. It's like magnets. Some people say "but wait, with magnets like repels like, the north pole will push away the north pole of another magnet so that's literally the worst possible example. Also, you just used gravity as an example, that's a different force than magnetism, so science really seems to be a problem for you here, right?" but to that I say fuck you, you know what I mean. Magnets attract other magnets, right? Okay then. Fuck you.

The point is, you can send waves out into the universe, and not just bathtub waves. You can send Mind Waves too, and eventually, if you're persistent as fuck, the Universe will get tired of fighting you just like the water got tired of fighting you, and it'll just match whatever mind waves you're putting out.



And maybe at this point you're thinking, "Wait, mind waves? What the fuck does that even look like? They would just attract other mind waves, right? That's what it's most like?" UGH, no, God, isn't it obvious what it means for something to resemble something else? Has literally anyone ever had trouble with that concept? Mind waves aren't LIKE mind waves, they ARE mind waves. They have to attract something LIKE them. Jeez. It turns out what happens is the Universe just starts to look exactly like the way you're thinking! Holy shit, isn't that cool? So like if you think really hard about a parking space, if you just send that thught out there a whole bunch, the Universe, which is unfathomably bigger than you and older than you can possibly imagine and which contains wonders that we have to keep inventing math to describe, will nonetheless be like "UGH fine here's a parking space now leave me alone, I'm tired of your shit." Because mind waves about parking spaces attract parking spaces. And if you send out angry mind waves, they're going to attract things that make you more angry. Again, it's easy to think they would instead attract angry things instead of things that MAKE you angry, which are two separate concepts, but that's why I did all the hard thinking for you. Just trust me here. I'M SENDING OUT TRUST WAVES.

Now obviously, the bigger the thing you're trying to attract, the more "like" it'll take to attract it. Big is attracted to Big! That's why if you want a parking space, it's just like, keep circling, one will open up because you're thinking about it (and totally NOT because eventually, someone was going to leave anyway) but if you want a new car, you really have to focus on it. Visualize it. Rearrange your life around having the car. Test drive a car, set aside a parking space for the car, buy a shitload of carwashes at the local carwash, etc. REALLY act like you own this car, and eventually the universe will go "Holy FUCK alright here's a car asshole."

That's why only great people in history have been able to use The Secret -- because you've REALLY got to want it to make it happen. Like remember when George Washington beat the British and founded America? You think he just WANTED it? No -- he also visualized it and focused on it a lot, and the fact that he just sort of pictured America is why he was so successful. He was like "I should get ready for America" so he trained troops and Jefferson wrote a Constitution and they Declared Independence and made states and shit, and built a governing body, and by acting like America was a thing, they made it like America was a thing. Not because of the special ontological status of social contracts or conventions or anything that literally are grounded in exactly the kind of agreement they were doing, but because eventually the Universe was like "FINE here have an America."

Anyway, the point is that if you want something, you just have to want it real bad and be grateful you're going to get it, so that the Universe knows you're serious about this shit. How hard was that?

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Want more? Get The Secret on Amazon.

19 comments:

  1. I really want you to post once a day, so I'm going to respond to phantom blog posts and pretend that you actually posted something, that way the universe will make you blog more.

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  2. Replies
    1. you're

      I really don't know why i bothered correcting your spelling i'm just a little drunk and emotional

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    2. Arn't we all!

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  3. Right on more bro

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  4. How long I've waited for this. Don't leave us again alone in this void!

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  5. Would be great to have you back, but since it was April Fools day, the secret hardly can be counted as "Philosophy" (Are you, or are you not, the Arbitrary Bullshit Bro? My, my, you are not, good Sir!) and it was indeed more of a summary and less of a broification I will not allow myself to hope...
    If you are, indeed, back in town - would you be interested to do Wittgenstein's On Certainty (maybe together with the paper of Moore it answers to?) and maybe include a footnote (or foot-swear) if it gives us the whole fucking Order of Discourse avant la fucking lettre?

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  6. More, more, more.

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  7. Very happy you're back, your work is extremely helpful! You have the moral imperative to enlighten to rest of us!

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  8. I hope this means more from you...PhiloBro

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  9. Great to have you back Bro! :D

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  10. I'm going to strongly visualize you writing more posts. I'll subscribe to your feed and check it daily and leave comments on your blog. Soon, you'll be like, "fine, whatever, have some blog posts."

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  11. Bro! yer back! sup man?

    Can book be unethical? (The book, not the author: Say we have a book that wasn't written by a human but that describes utterly unethical acts. Think of a computer generated Lolita without the fine prose. Moreover, say the book is Lolita, as written by VN. Can the book carry the un/etical pedigree of it's author.)

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  12. HEY BRO NO WAY I HAVE BEEN DESPERATELY (ok i'll stop writing in capitals) checking this site for a year haha I can't believe you're back! Good work man.

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  13. So glad you're back!!

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  14. The bro lives on!!!!

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  15. can you give us your thoughts on terrance w deacon's incomplete nature bro

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