Objection 1: It seems like God doesn’t exist. If you had two things that were constantly opposed, and only one of them was infinite, you’d think that would fucking wipe out the other, wouldn’t it? We’re not just talking opposites here; it’s not like positive and negative, where they just meet at zero and go on their merry fuck way in separate directions. We’re talking about real contraries here, fucking going at it, and one of them is infinite. You’d think it would have no problem whatsoever overwhelming the other. As advantages in conflict go, infinity is pretty high up there. But God is supposed to be infinite goodness, so if God exists, there shouldn’t be any evil in the world. Well fucking riddle me this, Batman: there IS evil in the world. Pretty sure that means God doesn’t actually exist.
Objection 2: Besides, why make shit more complicated than it is? If we can explain everything simply, why throw God into the mix, too? “Oh hey, here are a bunch of equations that perfectly describe how nature works, and, oh, here’s how people work. That explains everything? Really? Cool. Also, God exists.” Why the fuck did you throw God in there at the end? We got it. Physics and whatever the fuck it is that drives humans, and that’s plenty. Who needs God anymore?
Except that God exists, and his very nature is existence. And right now maybe you’re all like, “But how can we knoooooow God exists?” Well buckle the fuck up kids because I’ve got onetwothreefour FIVE FUCKING WAYS you can be sure God is real.
WAY THE FUCK ONE: Motion. Yeah, motion through space, but that’s not all - I mean pretty much all sorts of change. See, shit can’t be in motion unless it can potentially be in the state it’s headed toward. You can’t be moving towards the kitchen unless you can get in the fucking kitchen; you can’t burn a log unless that log can potentially be burned. When I say ‘potential’ I just mean that it could be, but it isn’t actually. If your hot coffee is on the edge of your desk, it’s potentially in your lap scalding you, and you’re potentially screaming in agony, even though you’re actually working. Then when you knock it down because you have trucks for hands, it’s not potentially in your lap, it’s actually in your lap. That shit is happening and this is not a drill. And it’s not potentially hot; it’s actually hot, which is why it burns so fucking much. It’s potentially cold, which is why you’re running for ice to put on yourself. Got it? Good. But look, shit doesn’t move itself into change; your coffee didn’t just jump onto your lap, no matter what you tell your roommate so he doesn’t think you’re a fucking idiot. Something had to move it, something other than itself. And something had to move that thing, too. And so on back; except we can’t have an infinite number of movements backwards; something had to start the chain. And that first mover, that thing that is itself unmoved, and not potentially anything? Yeah. That’s God.
SECOND WAY: Cause. Shit can’t cause itself to come into being, because then it would have existed to cause itself to become before it actually was. If that sentence confused you, good, because it does not make sense for something to exist before it starts existing. So if something gets caused, something else had to cause it. You can’t have a causeless effect, that’s just silly. And whatever caused that effect is itself an effect of some other cause - and this happens for every chain of events. But that chain has to start somewhere, because we can’t go infinitely backwards with these either, now, can we? So there has to be a first cause, something that wasn’t caused by anything else, that isn’t an effect, something that’s just always been. Oh wait, who do we know that has always existed and came before everything else? Yeah that’s right GOD. BOOM.
I’M ON FIRE HERE THIRD WAY: Possibility and necessity. Look. For a lot of things, it’s possible for them to exist, and possible for them not to exist. Take you, for example - your mother brought you into this world, so it’s possible that you exist, but she can sure as fuck take you out, so it’s also possible for you not to exist. Now, if something possibly doesn’t exist, at some point or another it has to not exist. You can’t say, “I guess it could stop existing, it just, you know never has and never will.” What? Fuck you. But if all things could, at some point or another, not exist, then at some point, maybe fucking nothing at all existed, and that’s fucking ridiculous. If once there was nothing, there would always be nothing. Shit doesn’t just magically come into being out of nothingness. And since shit exists now, we have to assume some shit has always existed. But we can’t go back for infinity with shit just accidentally existing; no one is that fucking lucky. So there has to be something that doesn’t just possibly exist, it exists necessarily. It has to exist. It exists, and there is no other way it could have been. It can’t not exist. And we can’t have an infinite chain of those, either; something has to exist, and it has to exist for no other reason than fucking BECAUSE. It is its own necessity, that’s all it needs, and everything else that must be, is because of this thing. This thing we all call God.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE FOURTH WAY: Gradation. Comparison. You know how some things are better than other things? Some people are just straight up better people than others. And how can we say that? How can we know who is more good or less good? How can we know what is more or less of anything? By just comparing it to a maximum. And whatever that maximum is causes all the other things in that category - that’s why fire, the hottest fucking thing we’ve got, makes everything else hot. And what’s the greatest good, the good from which everything else comes? Oh, man. Totally God.
Okay. Let’s calm down and JUST KIDDING FIFTH FUCKING WAY: For some reason, shit seems to run pretty smoothly, even though not everything in nature has a brain. I mean, really smoothly. How does shit always seem to work out so great? The sun comes up every single day, crops get sun, sometimes it rains, people get fed, life goes on. It’s convenient - maybe too convenient. So convenient, in fact, there’s no fucking way it’s all accidental. If you want to make watches, you probably shouldn’t just put all the parts in a bag and shake 'em up, hoping they’ll happen to make a watch. “Oh, man, what a lucky accident that these tiny parts all just happened to fall in the right configuration, completely at random, to make a timepiece in this bag! What’re the odds?!” Fuck you, those are the You put that watch together carefully and precisely, and someone put the universe in the same way, this universe that gets shit done. Designer of the Universe, you say? HEY THAT MUST BE GOD.
Now, your silly objections. Here’s the thing with evil: God is so fucking powerful he doesn’t even need to wipe out evil. He doesn’t just get rid of that shit - he actively turns it into good. That’s like if He had an infinite army, rather than just wiping out the opposing forces, He fucking converts them to His side. Badass.
As for that simplicity bullshit, it would be great if you really could reduce everything to nature or human action, but, I mean, how many fucking times do I have to tell you we can’t go infinitely backwards? No matter how much we learn about how nature happens or humans act, there must be a start, bro. So, yeah, don’t tell me shit’s too simple for God. Get out of here with those reductionist shenanigans. Without him, you’ve got nothing.